Ask Ethical Elle #1
Welcome to Ask Ethical Elle, where you can ask me anything — nothing’s off the table. Relationships, sex, and life in general…bring those questions! No judgment will ever be placed, and no question is ever too unique.* I will utilize my very wide pool of People Who Know Things, and together we’ll come up with answers to those tricky, sticky, or ethically tangly questions you’ve always had but didn’t know who to ask besides Google, and they track that shit.
Remember, you don’t know what you don’t know.
Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to ask any question; while we may not be able to answer or print them all, we recognize they’re all meaningful.
Don’t be shy to ask questions about your body and its functions. Remember, none of us were given a handbook to becoming a successful sexual being. Certainly not in my Health class, anyway. We had to discover what we liked as individuals, and that takes trial and error sometimes.
The same is true for relationships, life in general, or political questions. Until you ask, you won’t get answers. sharing your space can be tricky at first.
Now, the questions you asked:
Callie M. wrote to us and said: “I recently moved in with my partner. He’s really loving, and I adore him. However, he can be very sensitive. He also wants to spend time with me constantly. I like my space. How can I set boundaries without hurting him?”
Hi, Callie. This is a good question, and as I’m sure you already know, the answer is communication. What to say, however, is another thing. Look, when you moved in with him, that was your commitment to give him your time. Not all of it, but living with someone means a lot of compromise. You could let him know that you’re used to being alone and you need some time to transition into sharing your mind and space. A good way to frame it is to “wrap it.” Compliment him first, then voice your boundary, and close with a compliment. For example:
“I love your willingness to share yourself with me, and it shows your love. You know I’m used to being alone, and spending time with anyone for a while can tire me out. I need a little time to myself so I can work on the transition into sharing my space. I was thinking that we could go for a walk now, though.”
Compromise is the key, and you’ll have to do a little of your own. If he’s as wonderful as you say, I’m sure he’ll understand.
“How do you begin exploring the world of BDSM? How do you use bondage? How do you even start in the world? I don’t want to go to a sex dungeon, but I’m not opposed to handcuffs.” — Phoebe S.
Hey, Phoebe. So, BDSM, which stands for (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) is quite a large spectrum. First, trying things on in your mind is a fun way to decide whether you want to take the next step in your fantasy. Touch yourself, turn yourself on, and think. Watch a little BDSM porn. Read some erotic fiction. Spend some actual, quiet, alone time thinking specifically about the acts that turn you on — this is not something to feel weird or shameful about! Trust me when I say there is no sex act that has not already been thought of or already cataloged on porn sites everywhere.
Anyway.
Don’t. Feel. Ashamed. Wanting to be dominant or submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean that reflects on who you are outside of bed. I’m the least submissive person I know, but love to be submissive in bed. It’s an opportunity to step out of the skin I wear daily and play a role, a fantasy. So, to answer your question more specifically…
Find local online chat rooms to join and ask people who are experienced, but be careful meeting anyone online, especially before you’re sure. Order books about it, especially about the areas you’re interested in.
Start slow; don’t go straight to whips and chains. Start out with light slapping and choking, and see how you feel. As Phoebe said, maybe don’t start out with the sex dungeon and see how handcuffs feel first.
Finally, and this is the most important part — don’t have sex with a partner you don’t feel completely safe with. Always use protection. It shouldn’t have to be said. Be careful, ladies and gentlemen.
“I am in a new relationship. I really like my partner, but just found out they’re completely opposite of me politically. I’m not really politically active, but I believe in certain topics very passionately. They disagree with me on every subject. Other than politics, we’re pretty compatible. Will my relationship survive?” — Politically Confused.
Oof. This is a toughy, Confused. It depends on what those topics are. If they are fundamentally your belief system, it’s hard to see eye to eye with someone whose ideologies are opposite yours. If it’s something that affects you directly, like women’s reproductive rights, and they disagree with you absolutely, you might have a dealbreaker there. However, if you guys spend hours arguing over the Alaskan Pipeline and it doesn’t affect your life directly, then you can Adult this and agree to disagree. Plenty of couples are successful and happy and vote differently as well. If you or your partner keep coming back to the same subject and fight over it, that is an unhealthy relationship and you may benefit from seeing a couple’s therapist. Otherwise, you may be happier finding someone who is more along your wavelength.
“One of my closest friends is a binge-drinking alcoholic. I’m talking about a morning-drinking, hard alcohol drinker. I’m afraid they’re going to drink themself to death or accidentally hurt themself or someone else because of her drinking. How can I help them?” — Sober Sadie
Hi, Sadie. First, let me just say you sound like a good friend. So you’re not going to like this next part because it’s really hard — helping means waiting until they’re ready for help. Every person is different. If there was one tried-and-true way to treat alcoholism, it would be cured by now. Fortunately, there is treatment available, and I’m a big believer in Al-Anon.
Al-Anon, which is an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous, was created for family members and friends of an alcoholic. Its purpose is to help you design a way of being there that allows you to not only be supportive in the right way but also help you take some of that pressure off your chest. I know it’s sometimes hard not to take on the problems of the ones we care about most. Al-Anon is an effective way to learn coping skills.
As far as your friend goes, you have to wait for them to hit the bottom they need in order to realize they need help. If you think they’re open to intervention, maybe you can ask their loved ones to come together to have an honest conversation with them about their drinking, as well as how it affects them personally. Be careful, though. Everybody’s different.
My best friend is an alcoholic, and if I tried intervention, that would just spiral her deeper into her drinking. All I can do is hope, pray, and be there to pick up the pieces. That’s all you can do unless your friend wants help. If they do, remember that withdrawal from alcohol can kill you if you’re a heavy enough drinker. Make sure they’re medically monitored, like a detox, and then help get them to an AA meeting to pick up what is called their 24-hour chip and get a sponsor. Meetings are great, but if you don’t work the Twelve Steps, then AA won’t work. Just like going to class and not doing the homework. If they need inpatient detox first, research the ones in your area and call and see if they have a bed available. Most require appointments. Good luck with your friend, and keep us posted on how they (and you!) are doing.
“My best friend is in love with a married man. They’ve been seeing each other for two years, which I’ve never agreed with. I try hard not to judge my friend, but I do find myself judging her because she’s the “other woman.” Additionally, he’s told her it would cost him a fortune to get divorced, and I know he’s never going to leave his wife for her despite his empty promises. What can I do to be her friend and support her without enabling her to think it’s okay to date this guy?” — Polly
Hey there Polly. Cheaters are a special kind of asshole. Let’s just establish that first. So you’re correct when you say he’s most likely never leaving his wife. If they have children, that adds another layer of deceit and sorrow when discovered. Affairs usually are.
So, at some point, this will all probably blow up in some way, and you’ll need to be there to pick up the pieces because she’ll be dealing with a breakup on top of realizing that she’s been living with lies. When our beliefs are shaken, we have an identity crisis. Be there to listen and help her find a therapist or other help to deal with the blow. She’ll likely be both angry and devastated, and you can be there to help her build up her self-esteem again. That way, hopefully, she’ll stop sleeping with married men.
Until then, you’re not going to be able to get her to see the light. You can, however, set a boundary. Try something like, “Hey, Best Friend, I love you, and I am here for you, but I’m super uncomfortable hearing about this guy because he’s married. Can we skip the story and talk about something else instead?” Then ask her about something she loves. Make sure she knows you still want to hear what she has to say. If you’re okay with hearing about it, then you’ll have to do so without judging her. Don’t make her feel like shit.
That’s your homework — try to work on loving and accepting her for exactly who she is, her flaws and all. Judgement leads to resentment. If you want the friendship, you accept her as your friend right now. It will make you sleep easier.
The “Other Woman.” Nobody wins in these situations. (imagine.meta.com)
Any advice for the above? Post it in the comments.
Remember, this is a safe space, so save the judgment and shit like that for somewhere else. Everyone’s always fighting their own battles with something. Nobody’s immune to hardship.
Have a beautiful day, and be sure to send us your questions or post them below!
*Disclaimer: Please note that all advice is for entertainment purposes only and should not take the place of a licensed doctor or therapist. No question is ever too unique unless your thoughts involve seriously hurting someone, yourself, or children. If this is the case, please do not hide inside yourself further. You can’t get in trouble for your thoughts, and finding a competent mental health professional can be the difference between thought and action. Get help, and if you need help finding help, contact the following (thanks National Alliance on Mental Illness website)
Call 911 if the crisis is a life-threatening emergency. Make sure to notify the operator that it is a psychiatric emergency and ask for an officer trained in crisis intervention or trained to assist people experiencing a psychiatric emergency.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline — Call 800–273-TALK (8255) to speak with a trained crisis counselor.
Crisis Text Line — Text NAMI to 741–741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive crisis support via text message.
National Domestic Violence Hotline — Call 800–799-SAFE (7233) to speak with trained experts who provide confidential support to anyone experiencing domestic violence or seeking resources and information.
National Sexual Assault Hotline — Call 800–656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area that offers access to a range of free services. Crisis chat support is also available at the Online Hotline.
Have a question for Ask Ethical Elle? ellebecker@therarebirdwrites.com
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