Ask Ethical Elle #2
Welcome back to Ask Ethical Elle, where nothing is ever off the table. Relationships, sex, and life in general… bring those questions! No judgment will ever be placed, and no question is ever too unique.*
I will utilize my very wide pool of People Who Know Things, and together we’ll come up with answers to those tricky, sticky, or ethically tangly questions you’ve always had but didn’t know who to ask besides Google — and they track that shit.
Remember, you don’t know what you don’t know.
Don’t be embarrassed to ask questions; while we cannot answer or print all of them, we recognize that they’re all meaningful.
Don’t be shy about asking questions about your body and its functions. Remember, none of us were given a handbook to becoming a successful sexual being. Certainly not in my Health class, anyway. We had to discover what we liked as individuals, and that takes trial and error sometimes.
The same applies to relationships, life in general, or political questions. Until you ask, you won’t get answers.
Our first question:
“Dear Ethical Elle, I am a female in a hetero relationship, and I love my man. Our sex life is decent — when we have it. However, I have a skin condition that flares up, and when it does, I have a full-body itchy rash, so we usually don’t have sex. When I’m not rashed out, we have sex. However, it doesn’t mean that when it’s clear, that I immediately want to fuck. I have to be in the mood. Sometimes, I feel pressured to have sex just because it’s clear and it’s been a while. How do I tell him I’m simply not in the mood sometimes, and it’s not him?” — McKenna
Hey McKenna, first of all, it’s hard to deal with a flare-up, and I can’t imagine being that itchy, so props to you for coping with your condition. When it comes to your sex life, it sounds like the two of you just aren’t communicating. You don’t have to sit him down and dump it all at once. Start with a simple, “Hey, I know it’s been a while, but I’m not feeling sexy tonight. Can we just cuddle?” and see if he’s receptive. I think you’re worried he’ll feel rejected, so make sure he knows it is about you. You sort of answered your own question; you just need to tell it to the right person. If he does feel slighted, talk to him. Wait for the right moment, keep your head cool, and tell him that you’re living in two skins — your condition and clear skin. That means you need time to settle into it, and sometimes you’re not feeling amorous. Most importantly, let him know how attracted you are to him. He needs to feel validated as well. Good luck.
Question:
“Hey, Elle, I am a female in a relationship (if you can call it that) with a man who doesn’t touch me. It’s been a year since we last had sex. Last year, we had sex twice. By the way, foreplay doesn’t exist. We’ve been together for several years, and I feel like every time I communicate my desire to him, he tells me that it’s somehow my fault we’re not having sex. Either “I’m not affectionate enough” or “I need to initiate!” To be fair, I have experienced a significant weight gain over the last year, but he still tells me, on occasion, that I look beautiful. Do I keep trying or give up? I’m really upset and angry all the time. — Confused Crystal
Hi, Crystal. It sounds like there are several problems here. You’re not having sex. A year is a helluva long time to go. Seems to me that you’re also not communicating. You’re not owning your own shit, and you’re blaming each other. If you feel upset and angry all the time, it’s not just because you’re not getting some, though that would make anyone resentful of their partner after time. However, you can’t change your partner; you can only change yourself, and I’m betting both of you have been stagnant in this relationship. Ask yourself what he is to you. A partner communicates, and one thing you failed to mention was what you were doing that is “trying.” Are you initiating? Are you even attracted to your boyfriend? How (and when) are you trying to communicate? I strongly suggest you see a couple’s therapist who will be able to let both of you communicate with each other in a safe place to start. If he isn’t willing to go — or you aren’t — then you need to admit one or both of you aren’t in this anymore and part ways.
Question:
Dear Ethical Elle, I have Multiple Sclerosis. With that comes a lot of chronic symptoms and pain. I’m just curious how other people with chronic conditions get through the summers. I can’t handle the heat anymore. Any suggestions? — Overheated
Hey, Overheated. The first thing to remember is that you do have difficulties with heat and other things because of your condition, so cut yourself a little slack and don’t do that thing where we compare our insides to someone else’s outsides. What you see is always the tip of the iceberg for so many people. As far as how to get through the summer, buy a portable, handheld fan, rechargeable. They’re about 4 inches and put out some great wind, which should help cool you down. I suggest Amazon. You can easily find heat-beating items there.
Go to websites like meetup.com and search for groups in your area that have inside events. A lot of support groups are on meetup as well, and you could find better solutions within those communities.
In addition, ice vests are vests that have cold packs inserted. They last for hours and help a lot of people. See if you can plan on being indoors or meeting friends early in the morning or evening, depending on how you feel. Good luck, and stay cool!
Question:
Ethical Elle, I have a problem. My girl has some chronic illness and pain stuff going on. It’s hard to tell when she is open to intimacy versus being in pain. I don’t want her to feel forced or pushed into intimacy, but how do I know when she’s into me and up for it? — Turning Blue
Hi Blue, Communication can be so hard. However, you know that this is your answer here, yes? I’m assuming you want to know the signals or when she is communicating to you that she is open to intimacy. When someone is hurting or ill, sometimes the last thing they feel like is an alluring, sexual being. Sometimes, just returning to a normal baseline from a flare-up is exhausting, and I’m guessing you see this, and this is part of what you mean. It’s nice that you’re so considerate of where she is at, and she should know that. Have you actually sat your partner down? Try this at a time when you are NOT asking for sex right then: “I need a few cues to know when you’re feeling intimate versus needing space.”
Intimacy doesn’t always mean sex, you know. There is something erotic and intimate in holding hands, maintaining eye contact, and kissing. Build the little things up a few hours before you want to initiate sex. She needs to feel sexy, not painful, so tell her she is beautiful and be genuine. Compliment her. Verbal foreplay and honest declarations go a long way toward helping a woman feel sexier. Good luck. We wish you both the best.
Any advice for the above? Post it in the comments, and we’ll make sure they see them. Remember, this is a safe space, so save the judgment and shit like that for somewhere else. Everyone’s always fighting their own battles with something. Nobody’s immune to hardship.
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You can also submit your questions below or email them to: ellebecker@therarebirdwrites.com
Please note that all advice is for entertainment purposes only and should not take the place of a licensed doctor or therapist.
Have a beautiful day, and be sure to send us your questions or call us.
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*Disclaimer: No question is ever too unique unless your thoughts involve seriously hurting someone, yourself, or children. If this is the case, please do not hide inside yourself further. You can’t get in trouble for your thoughts, and finding a competent mental health professional can be the difference between thought and action. Get help, and if you need help finding help, contact the following (thanks to the National Alliance on Mental Illness website)
Call 911 if the crisis is a life-threatening emergency. Make sure to notify the operator that it is a psychiatric emergency and ask for an officer trained in crisis intervention or trained to assist people experiencing a psychiatric emergency.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline — Call 800–273-TALK (8255) to speak with a trained crisis counselor.
Crisis Text Line — Text NAMI to 741–741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive crisis support via text message.
National Domestic Violence Hotline — Call 800–799-SAFE (7233) to speak with trained experts who provide confidential support to anyone experiencing domestic violence or seeking resources and information.
National Sexual Assault Hotline — Call 800–656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area that offers access to a range of free services. Crisis chat support is also available at the Online Hotline.
