Ask Ethical Elle #3

Aug 28

To submit a question, email questions@therarebirdwrites.com (Please put Ask Ethical Elle in the subject line)

Welcome to Ask Ethical Elle! (And a big thank you to everyone who submitted questions). This is a safe place to ask anything — nothing’s off the table. Relationships, sex, and life in general…bring those questions! No judgment will ever be placed, and no question is ever too unique.** I will utilize my very wide pool of People Who Know Things, and together we’ll come up with answers to those tricky, sticky, or ethically tangly questions you’ve always had but didn’t know who to ask besides Google — and they track that shit.

Remember, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Out of moves

Dear Ethical Elle,
Where can I get new ideas for new moves in the bedroom? I’ve been with my partner for a long time, and we’ve done everything we’ve ever seen and heard of. Now we’re so bored with the old routine. How can we mix things up so that we don’t get bored with sex or with each other? BTW porn is outlawed in my state.
— Sammy

Dear Sammy,
Your question is multi-layered — you’re bored physically with sex, emotionally, you want to stay connected, and your imaginations have been run into the ground. I promise it’s not as hopeless as it might seem. When in doubt, start from the beginning. Pretend like you just met again, sit and reminisce about what you used to do both in and out of the bedroom, and I mean super big-time practice at it. You could even role-play and “meet” for the first time out somewhere. Flirt, ask questions like you just met, and you’ll end your evening with a literal bang.

It can bring your sex life a breath of fresh air, so to speak. Another tip is to find some solid erotic literature — often, you can read it and find new ideas centering around a fantasy you both enjoy, and you can even take turns reading it out loud. As for it being considered porn, I’m not sure about erotica; you should still be able to find that online though I can’t say I’m familiar with the filters involved in a statewide porn ban (Medium has some great erotica stuff).

In addition, try things like new sensory play, themed date nights, mirror play (seeing yourself and your partner from new and different angles), a fantasy jar, or simply fucking on top of the dryer instead of the bed. A lot of intimacy comes from foreplay, as you know, so talk about sex that morning — actively imagine, fantasize, and think about it all day — and see if that helps. Ultimately, a little CRAP (communication resolves all problems) will be what improves your sex life. Revisit each other, and you’ll find new, fresh ideas.

I also suggest talking to a licensed sex therapist if you feel you need new ideas. They can be extremely helpful.

Smell my feet

Dear Ethical Elle,
My partner has a foot fetish. However, he gets very turned on and loves it when my feet are super sweaty and stinky. I don’t feel comfortable with having feet that are gross and smelly. I can’t seem to give him that, and I try to hide my feet whenever we are sexual. How do I politely decline his request without hurting him or causing resentment? Please help.
— No Funky Feet

Hey, Funky.
I’m glad you don’t want your feet to smell — the rest of the world thanks you. However, wanting healthy feet is more than just social propriety. Stinky feet are rank, sweaty, and not only bad hygiene, but you could end up with something highly contagious. Smelly, sweaty feet mean you’re at risk for a giant mixed bag of disgusting possibilities.
Your tootsies could end up suffering from foot fungus, germs, infectious toe jam, and other mysterious ailments.

I would approach this as a health issue. You don’t want to end up getting a condition that would cause you (or him or anyone your feet touch) to suffer. I’m sure your partner doesn’t want that for you either. If you think about it, he’s asking you to ix-nay your foot hygiene. By doing that, you’re susceptible to conditions that cause more than just a bad smell — you could develop conditions that cause rashes, itching, burning, scaling, blisters, and more—hard pass.

Set clear boundaries, reassure him of your love, and offer a compromise. Perhaps, “I know you like the smell of stinky feet, but I think we covered why I can’t do that. Instead, why don’t we do some foot massages? I love and want to please you, so let me know some other ways to introduce mutually agreed upon footplay.”

Libido so-slow

Dear Ask Ethical Elle,
My husband’s love language is sex. It’s how he shows me that he loves me. When he’s happy, concerned, or wants to take care of me, that script is played out in the bedroom. It’s all body language.
The problem is that I’ve been struggling with chronic illness for the last three years. My sex drive has dived into an abyss. I’m always uncomfortable or in pain. To lose our love language would vitally impact our relationship. He feels unloved if I can’t cuddle. I’ve taken to awarding quickies like they’re dog treats. They’re cookies for the Cookie Monster. Will I ever enjoy sex again?
— Cookie Crisis in Concord

Dear Cookie,
Wow. I give you the “hit the nail on the head” award. I can completely relate, and I know a bunch of people with chronic illnesses who feel the same way. Thanks for being brave enough to voice it.

First off, it is hard as hell to see yourself as both a sexual being and a chronic illness/pain patient. If I tell my partner I’m in pain (but still want to have sex), he doesn’t want to touch me for fear of hurting me. He doesn’t always understand that “I’m in pain” is a statement, not a complaint. It’s just a baseline of my feelings so that we can go from there.

Yes, you can enjoy sex again, but it will take an effort from both of you. Have you tried sitting him down and straight up saying, “Look, there’s a switch in my brain. It takes a minute for me to go from a gross-feeling, chronically ill patient to a sexual being who is DTF.”

You can also say, “If you can be patient with me, I’ll do my best. If I had a broken leg, you would understand the difficulties of sex. I have a broken body, and I will work on getting better so we can have a better sex life. I promise it’s nothing to do with you, but I do need (affirmations, hand-holding, hardcore kissing sessions) to be fully present with you.”

I also suggest talking to a licensed therapist who specifically understands chronic conditions. If you’re truly not enjoying sex, you’ll need to explore that in a safe, personal setting with a person who can help.

“Turning” Straight

Dear Ethical Elle,
I’m a 29-year-old man who is bisexual, but I lean more toward men than women. Because I’ve dated women in the past, my Dad keeps asking me to pretend I’m straight at family gatherings. He thinks it’s a preference I can turn on and off. I don’t act stereotypically “man-straight,” and I think that bothers my Dad. I like pink, and I wear tight tee shirts. I am not into sports and working on trucks, which is totally my Dad. My Dad says he keeps an open mind, but I’m not sure anymore after this request. What should I do? Should I agree with his request to “man up” to keep the peace?
— Not Macho

Hey, Not Macho.
Yikes. Your Dad needs to realize he’s acting like, well, a closed-minded bigot. He needs to get a pagebook from 2024. Sexuality is fluid; it’s on a spectrum, and you are who you are — you can’t change that any more than he can.

Try this, “Hey, Dad, since you want me to turn my sexuality to straight at family dinner on Sunday, will you do me a favor on Saturday? Turn gay for an hour — to see what it feels like.” When he replies that he can’t just “turn” gay, say, “Exactly. I can’t turn off my desires any more than you can flip a switch to Gayness.”

Ask him how old he was when he came out as straight. He’ll think, “But I’ve always been straight,” and there you have him. Hopefully, he can’t argue that your inherent makeup is something you invented. Something about your behavior hits too close to home for him, too — but that’s just a guess. Take it with a grain of salt.

With that, another session of Ask Ethical Elle comes to an end. Do you have a burning question that you need answered? Ask Ethical Elle about any subject and get a heartfelt and entertaining response.

If you have questions, email questions@therarebirdwrites.com and put Ask Ethical Elle in the subject line.

**Please note that all advice is for entertainment purposes only and should not take the place of a licensed doctor or therapist. No question is ever too unique unless your thoughts involve seriously hurting someone, yourself, or children. If this is the case, please do not hide inside yourself further. You can’t get in trouble for your thoughts, and finding a competent mental health professional can be the difference between thought and action. Get help, and if you need help finding help, contact the following:

Call 911 if the crisis is life-threatening. Notify the operator that it is a psychiatric emergency and ask for an officer trained in crisis intervention or trained to assist people experiencing a psychiatric emergency.
These are just a few contacts — there are many organizations out there that can help. Use the Google machine and find them.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline — Call 800–273-TALK (8255) to speak with a trained crisis counselor.

Crisis Text Line—Text NAMI to 741–741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor and receive crisis support via text message.

National Domestic Violence Hotline — Call 800–799-SAFE (7233) to speak with trained experts who provide confidential support to anyone experiencing domestic violence or seeking resources and information.

National Sexual Assault Hotline — Call 800–656-HOPE (4673) to connect with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area that offers access to a range of free services. Crisis chat support is also available on the online hotline.